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Friday, October 10, 2014
So a couple days ago I made a post and I did re-read that night and saw all the grammar errors and crap I wanted to change. I am not going to re-read at this point and am going to leave it in its full hatchet mode. I'll revisit it later because when I wrote it, it was raw and honest and my first instinct is to edit it. Stepping away from trying to be that perfect person that everybody tries to be, and what I am going to try to be is honest to myself. So today was my last day as office manager at a real estate company. They job was great. I love the people, the job was challenging at times, and so super slack at others and I rolled with the punches, and I really, really loved it. However, I need to be true to my soul and that is working with animals because I have that gift. My soul also needs to paint and create. My entire life even before I was 5 years of age was wishing that I could be a horse trainer and artist when I grew up. Although I will most likely never be a professional horse trainer (I'm too fucking old to deal with injury) I will take a rescue horse and find the perfect home for them. My dream now is to continue with my animals and just create things that come from my soul. And I know its hippy dippy, but I believe people are put here on earth do do something with their lives- for the good or for the better. Some people say they don't have a gift and I don't believe that. What I believe is that people are put here in life to make a difference- Be it art, music, volunteering, mentoring, raising a family ... The list is endless. Everybody makes a difference in somebody's life be it for the worse or for the better. We don't live in Eutopia and some people were put here just to make everybody's life a challenge. I don't know. Let's not get too deep. That said, I will most likely lay off the heavy thinking (perhaps not right away) but I will always be true to myself and to you and fuck it if that doesn't please you. I'm at an age where my soul and happiness means the world to me. At this moment I have a teenage son who will let me sit on his bed with him as he plays video games with his friends and tell me who he is playing with and will put in layman's terms what is going on. I have a daughter who will be going to college next year who is figuring out who she is striving to be. I have an ex-husband who I can be honest with and he is honest and fair to me. Best, I have a beautiful man who is full on asleep on my couch with 2 little Yorkies cuddling him until I decide it's time for us to go to bed. Right now my soul is happy and tomorrow begins my new life. Cheers. *Unedited and Un-reread and I'm sticking to it.
Tuesday, October 07, 2014
I realize now it has been almost a year since I have posted in this ancient blog. Seeing the stats and realizing people are still seeing it is amazing. In fact, when you google Art by Shano, my blog comes up first. Embarrassing. I want my art to come up first naturally, not for people googling me to see what I was saying and feeling YEARS ago. So, let me proceed. I went through a divorce in 2010? (It was drawn out separation. Whatever) It was the emotionally most crippling thing that has ever happened to me. Just in case you're wondering if you should get a divorce and are kinda on the fence and also have kids, and just "aren't happy" . . . Don't do it. Boredom will pass. That excitement you want to feel with your spouse and just isn't there- make it fucking happen. You two are best friends and still have active dialog? Suck it up Buttercup. Marriage gets fucking boring and that's the best thing that can happen to you. I promise. Want excitement? Talk to your single friends or have a girls night out. I did. It was awesome and I still had an amazing husband. My ex-husband will always be the love of my life. My current boyfriend of more than 2 years knows this and is not threatened by this, but accepts it as it is. I've moved on from my ex-husband 100%. It really, really didn't work no matter how hard we tried, and we tried SO very hard for 18 years. Marriage counseling for most of this time . . . the whole nine yards. You can't fix broken. So during our separation I was a complete blob of jelly that did the menial of tasks. I woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks and my chest in a fist of rage with fear of the unknown. I am a person that HATES change and loves making a little happy nest I call home. Sleep has always been my medic, my time to go to my Happy Place where wonderful things happened in wonderful places. I have always loved sleeping SO much because my dreams were just as real and memorable as my real life, only I simply "visited" there. Even before John and I married, our friends made fun of how much we slept and our love of sleeping in. I suppose that 2 artists living under the same roof would have the same habits. We slept as much as we loved. Artists are . . . unique. It takes a lot of patience with an artist. I am impatient and demanding and definitely fit under every stereotype of feminine. I love animals to the point where I have to cut myself off, even though I should have done it by half the animals on my ranch now. I am outgoing, friendly, controlling and emotional but stable, yet hard to get to know on a personal level. I used to have a few best friends, but since the divorce I lost them all which is so hard for me because I'm a girl's girl. They always say in a divorce, "the people you think will be there for you won't be, and the people you least expect will". Sadly fucking true. Although I have been burned, I love, love, love people in general and am so intrigued with everyone that I meet. And I know that the girls that were best friend with me in my previous life will ALWAYS be my girls. If ever needed, I would in no way hesitate to knock on the doors of Becky, Liz, Erin, Jen, Deb & Bekka, and especially Ramona and know that I would be greeted with nothing but love. You guys will always hold a special place in my heart and I love you dearly. So on with the new! I keeping true to my midnight rule that I cannot post after midnight. And to reflect back at my 18 year old self and having a 1 o'clock curfew, yeah. Shit gets real after midnight. Bad decisions are after midnight's bitch. Part 2 SOONish. (But I'm good. That's why I wanted you to see this.) There is a happy ending . . . So far. Life is a motherfucking beautiful journey. Drunk as fuck. Curse you Monday Football and Seahawks (ultimate fan here!) Will edit tomorrow. Peace out mothafuckas. (I'm apparently gansta in my over a certain age drunkness. Da fuq?) No. Now it's just full blown Tourette's syndrome.