Oh, how ironic!
|So yesterday I posted my "25 Random things" and quite honestly most of my Chatty Cathy girlfriends haven't responded and I'm assuming it is because of my #22. |
22. It's retarded to refer to yourself as a MILF. Let other people decide that.
So I am reading book number 4 of Megan McCafferty's series titled Fourth Comings. I absolutely was enthralled by her first two books. Number three was a little emo and whiny, and not nearly enough hot sex, but it goes with the age of the character of the time. Nonetheless, book number 4 so far is right on track. I truly appreciate the numerous references to pop culture. Megan even goes as far to refer to Dooce whom I have been quasi-following back when Heather had maybe 3 to 10 comments a day. However, being a lurker doesn't gain me any status or popularity in the Dooce world.
So, I just read page 111 (Page 109 had me CRACKING up. I mean, ROFL at her snark comment. Buy the book. Only you MUST start with Sloppy Firsts.)
So thank you Megan for your witty and snarky pop culture observances. I am right on board.
From page 109 that had me belly laughing- As spoken from Jessica, the main character:
"She was still dead serious. This reveals an elemental cause of all our miscommunications. I am fluent in snark. Bethany only notices snark when snarks grabs her off the sidewalk, throws her in the back of a sketchy van with tinted windows, drives to the middle of the Meadowlands in the dead of night, and uses a heavy blunt instrument to smack her repeadly about the head as it screams, "I'M SNARK. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I'M SNARKY SNARKY SNARK!" And even then she's like, "Ohhhhh? Snark? Is that you?"
From page 111:
"I couldn't expect someone like my sister to understand why the DONUT HO' promotion was just another pathetic example of "feminism" gone wrong. She has soared, swooped, and glided through life on the gilded wings of her golden good looks. I mean, it's one thing to be a MILF and have other people refer to you as such in private. "Now there's a mom I'd like to fuck." But it is quite another to unapologetically and unironically refer to yourself and your circle of friends as MILFs, as my sister and her friends do."
This is why I read so much. Way better than the boob tube, ya'll.
I was tagged for "25 Things"
|1. I love the smell of horses, cinnamon and clove, my husband, and Narsico Rodriguez perfume.|
2. I wear make up and fix my hair every day regardless if I leave the house.
3. I collect colorful goblets from the 70's and use them as our every day drinking glasses. If you see one at a thrift store, pick one up for me.
4. Listening to other people chew drives me batshit crazy.
5. Pretentious people are the WORST.
6. I must drink coffee every morning.
7. A microbrew with a tiny bit of bloody mary mix is the best drink EVER.
8. No wait, red wine is the best drink EVER.
9. I am obsessed with horses and my weight. Not necessarily in that order.
10. I am extraordinarily blessed for my family.
11. I love getting dressed up and wearing heels.
12. Nothing makes my eyes happier than sparkly jewelry or a cute handbag.
13. I always drive 5 mph over the speed limit.
14. An untidy house can cause me to go mentally insane.
15. I dislike cooking immensely. Loathe it really.
16. My hair won't grow but at least it hasn't gone gray yet *knock on wood*
17. I rarely get cold. My daughter is the same way.
18. I am a chronic insomniac and live like a vampire.
19. I read at least a couple books a week.
20. I like my handwriting cuz it's spazzy like me.
21. I have self-diagnosed myself with Adult Onset ADD.
22. It's retarded to refer to yourself as a MILF. Let other people decide that.
23. Race, age, political, or religious beliefs do not matter to me. If I like you, I like you. Just don't try to change me.
24. I swear like a trucker when my kids aren't around.
25. I really dig reality TV
The problem with dogs
|So last night, Thursday, I was dead tired at 8 pm. It was a long day, but regardless, I am NEVER tired at 8 pm. Eight o'clock is my happy time. It's in the hours of 4 - 9 pm when I am the most awake. So when I was plopping down to read at 8 pm, I thought to myself, "Oh good. Maybe I'll be in bed at a normal time for once! Yay me for being normal for once!"|
So I start reading. And before you know it my ADHD sets in and I'm reading the same chapter over and over. Crap. Reading is SO not working. I'm getting MORE and MORE awake by the second. TV is a distraction but I keep pausing the TIVO to do laundry, dishes, sweeping, whatever. I swear I am not any any sort of stimulant other than coffee and I cut myself off hours and hours ago. In fact, my coffee maker beeps after 2 hours to let me know I've been cut off. Coffee maker closing time was a VR VR long time ago.
So the dork in me suggests dancing around the living room in an attempt to drain energy. Everybody is asleep, but I am widefuckingawake. Dancing is stupid. I can't dance and there isn't enough room to do a flying stag or salchow if I wanted to. So I get the brilliant idea at 11pm to take "a couple" of my dogs on a walk.
On many occasion I have taken my two male dogs Maverick and Joey on walks during the sunnier months. Being two intact males they do well if I, the alpha, is always there to monitor them. I have a single leash that attaches multiple leashes so that I can walk a zillion dogs at once if I so desired. Apparently I felt the need to walk a zillion dogs. Admittedly, the ADHD mind REALLY wasn't thinking or considering consequences to its full potential.
Maverick in a past life was a sled dog. The guy is young and scrappy and can make me walk at least 10 mph faster than my legs could normally go. Joey is big and beefy but has lived with me his full 5 years and knows that I will choke him to death if he pulls. Joey is half my body weight. Maverick really doesn't seem to notice or care that oxygen is important so wheezing and coughing doesn't slow him down in the slightest. I can yank, jerk, verbally commmand him to chill out to no avail. So basically, the two of them together is manageable.
My wide awake brain THEN thinks it's a good idea to take two of the females on a walk as well considering that the two males are so easy.
So Dixie whom is really well leash-trained but have been having a HUGE issue with in regard to loyalty, keeps running off the SECOND I turn my back, decide that she needs the mental stimulation and bonding time. Can I find her choke chain and leash? No. So she gets a regular ole collar and is hooked up to the boys' leash, which makes three of them on a single leash. The problem with collies is that their necks are bigger than their heads. Any resistance or stopping and said collar just pops off. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I also decide that Athena would be great to expose to more walks given her limited view of the outside world. She's a couple weeks pregnant so I thought some exercise and excitement might do her some good. Okay. Yeah. Bringing Athena was retarded. Not only am I now out of leashes but out of collars. Being on a ranch there is an overabundance of baling twine. Oh yeah. Hello, White Trash with the noose as not only a collar but a leash. It's 11 pm on a teeny tiny island who the heck is going to notice?
So I have all 4 dogs and I'm ready to go! The thing is with dogs in general is that the males want to lead me and the girls want to follow me. Already a clusterfuck of collie dogs and we haven't made it from the barn to the top of the driveway. So at first it was funny and I'm laughing until Dixie's collar repeatedly pops off and she's heading for the hills like the disloyal bitch that she is. So trade Athena's homemade deal for Dixie's collar. Same thing. So while I'm getting them all straightened out, the males would encircle me literally entangling me like a spider's web.
Why I persevered THIS far is beyond me other than the boundless amount of energy that I had. Plus, I NEVER back down to a challenge. So after a few minutes of stepping in and out of spider webs and putting Dixie back in the regular collar a zillion times, we actually made it to the housing development that I had originally intended to take a walk in. It took me at least 8x's as long as it would have had I just taken the boys.
And then there were the other dogs. Dogs left free to roam said housing development because they are big fat lab dogs that don't leave the yard, and then there's the barkers behind fences that BARK BARK BARK at people and dogs passing by. It was all way too much for my ADD intact male dogs. They were pulling. They were circling. This wasn't their turf, but they assumed that all of the island was their turf. Tails were flagged, they were barking back ready to fight. The girls got in a panic and were every which way. All I know is that there were multiple leashes and binder twine EVERYWHERE encircling my legs, midriff, feet, and arms. For the life of me I felt like a roped calf. Seriously, throw both your hands up and call for time, Cowboy. Naturally Dixie is off the collar again and headed to for the hills or to fight or impregnate herself with a big fat lab. I gathered myself, I gathered my dogs, and I retreated home.
For some odd reason "home" made sense to them. "Home" was one collie mind working together and that was in complete agreement that they were the Alaskan Bob Sledding Team. Unfortunately I don't own a bob sled. There isn't even snow if I did.
So all 4 dogs who now greatly outweigh me have me walking them at a 70 degree angle at 30 MPH. Then for some reason Athena spazzes out, trips me with her baling twine, and I'm in the rocky ditch clawing to escape. There are no street lamps. It's me at one with my bob sledding team that lacks any sort of compassion for the person that feeds them. This would be a photo of being drug through a ditch by 4 collie dogs.
Don't attempt this at home.
Oh. It gets better.
So I limp back home at approximately 30 MPH now uphill and am immediately entangled by dogs again. I just start unclipping and un-noosing. I stand erect and both of the male dogs are in a full blown war literally trying to rip each other's necks out. So you know how you're never supposed to try to break up a dog fight right, right? You're supposed to hose them down. So suppose for the sake of argument you don't want to run in the barn, hook up the hose, open the barn doors, and drag the hose out, spray them down because really? What would be the point? In this amount of time one or both of them is dead. So, you do what any sensible farm girl would do. You start kicking at the aggressor. Only for arguments sake you were denied soccer as a child/teen and your kick lacks impact. You have no aim and basically you are kicking at air and screaming like a Banshee.
Sadly, you are kicking WAY too hard than you imagined physically possible. All too soon you realize that your kick was something only a Rockette or Dallas cheerleader could do and you feel and HEAR the snap. That snap would be your ass to leg muscle. Well played.
Apparently male dogs hear, see, or feel your pain and stop fighting. You limp them slowly to their designated area and go back inside the house and just lay on the couch starring at the ceiling until WAY after midnight.
For the love of GOD, if you can't sleep on a Must See TV day, just stay in and watch The Office.
PS. The 2 parallel scars above the barrel racing scar would be my first time shaving my legs. At 10-years-old I imagined that the peach fuzz covering my legs would take quite some time, heft, and pressure from Dad's razor. I bled like a stuck pig for seemingly forever but didn't say anything to my Mom who said that I was not allowed to shave my legs at the tender age of ten. In my excuse for the bloody trail, I told her I slipped on a coat hanger.
Riding Couture & Illustration Friday
|I work a lot with Melonie at Riding Couture. The woman is so dang focused and perilous in getting what she wants. I admire her drive and hella good taste in everything that is blingable. So for her new website main page she had me create an image for her. The woman may as well have held my Wacom pen or channeled the digital image directly into my brain. I have to give her huge kudos for having a vision and making me see it EXACTLY they way she did. I love working with her because she quite often makes me think outside the box. I have no doubt in my mind that Riding Couture is GOING PLACES. |
This week's theme at Illustration Friday is "Climbing". So here are my little social climbers. Meet Je Ne Sai Quoi
Two birds one stone
|The last and final nude for an upcoming show. Yay. And guess what? She's pale. No tan around here! Thus, I am submitting her into Illustration Friday's theme of "PALE". |
"Nude in Big Hat" Do you like the oh so clever title? Makes you think outside the box, eh? Really gets the brain juices flowing. "What does she MEAN, Nude in Big Hat? I just don't GET it!" Don't worry. It'll come to you eventually.
Lil Miss Godiva
|So, in an effort to get caught up on one of the very few shows that I do each year, I have been creating paintings to be juried into the Unclad show. |
OMG. It feels soooooo good to be painting again. It's like swimming in the Pacific ocean in August, or riding full blast at a gallop, or sleeping 10 hours with vivid dreams, or a full tissue back massage, or really good sex (sorry Mum), or like the BEST fresh gourmet creme brulle to hit your pallet. It's like I forgot to breathe and then the oxygen hit me at 90 mph and stimulated every cell of my being. Am I being dramatic? Perhaps, but then us artistic folk tend to hyper-sensationalize. But rest assured that I am very sincere in my description.
The first two paintings I have done this year flew on to the canvas. The third one . . . Not so much. (I'll share that one in another post. TBA.) So, I'd like to introduce "Flirty Catwoman" (Oh yeah. Running out of creativity on titles for the catwoman series. SERIOUSLY.)
She is on a confusing very to computers metallic gold background. She hopes to be a part of an upcoming nudie art show. I'll give more info if she will be able to grace herself at that particular soiree. Please stay tuned. (Stay tuned. That's funny. Good thing I'm hear to crack myself up.)
Illustration Friday "CONTAINTED"
|Oh. I SO needed to paint. I can't believe it took me so long to find the time to arrange to have my art gear and setup brought inside the house. WAY too long. It was like holding my breath. Fasting. Being a nun. Living in the suburbs. I really, really, really needed to paint. |
I was given this itty bitty canvas of 6" x 6" from www.canvasplace.com (Waaaayyyy back when I used to be a regular and painted on a regular basis). This was YEARS ago now. At the time I thought, oh how cute! But square. I had great hopes for the itty bitty canvas, but there it waited for me about 5 years until I decided to take it up on it's challenge of painting on it . . . being all square like it was.
Well, I'm glad I waited because it finally occurred to me that the best composition for a square canvas would be round composition. I know! Like fitting a square peg into a round hole! Good thing I can think outside the box because that little itty bitty canvas would be waiting another 5 years.
Anyway, I'm blabbering on for no apparent reason. Apparently my fingers are anxious and love the clickity clack of keys. (Did you know that all to often, and WAY more than I like to admit to myself, I will repeat conversations in my head and be mentally typing them at the same time?! I'm like your own personal secretary or transcriptionist but only in my head! Either there is some strange compulsion to multitask or I'm like the Rainman of keyboards. Either way, admittedly, it's just plain weird. And yeah, a little TMI.)
So without further ado, here is this week's theme of "Contained" for Illustration Friday. Meet "Fluidity" the painting.
Why contained? Well, for obvious reasons water needs to be contained. And for another, I was contained by my preference of triangular compositions. I was contained in my thinking. Dangerous things happen when I allow my brain to run amok.
Completely Random Pissiness
|Pissy things inside my head:
Deadlines first and foremost. Always with the deadlines. (insert choice cussing before "deadlines") Professional, financial, and personal deadlines. In that order.
The Christmas tree and all reminders of Christmas are gone. I am now officially The Grinch for wanting it all down in a most eager and violent way. I like to imagine Edward Scissorhands as my ultimate professor in Ornament Removal 101. (Could have something to do with the deadlines.)
I started running again. This is good and this is bad. I love running. My brain shuts off (for effin' once!) and all is quiet in my head while I run. The endorphins kick in and my body feels nothing. Almost like it doesn't belong to myself. Of course, it's still really hard to get motivated to actually DO IT. But God love Nike for that saying, just DO IT because it is a really powerful quote. Just do it. Just get up off your fat ass. Just put the potato chips down. Set the remote down. Just DO IT. However, my bad knee(s) will surely undermine this and I will be pissy and fat (again/still) in no time. Did I mention I run on a treadmill in front of my TV? Yeah. Nike can only get SO far inside my head.
Speaking of fat. I am in a zone where my clothes are no longer fitting me comfortably or attractively. This also makes me REALLY pissy. I'm considering investing in my own line of Mom jeans and/or replacing my regular jeans and inserting elastic at the back of the waist band. Like a low-rise Mom jeans. Cool, huh? Or . . . I could continue to wear out the one pair of track pants I have. Once those start getting tight, I'm meeting up with Carnie Wilson for advice. Or hit her up for money for lap band surgery. Too bad we're not friends or even acquaintances. Because that's kind of weird, isn't it? I would confer with Star Jones about it but she's kinda batshit crazy.
I finished the 4th book of the Twilight series. Seriously? No, seriously. I'm in mourning that there are going to be NO MORE Twilight books. No more Edward, Bella, or Jacob. I am honest to God sad. And yes, I realize how completely geeked out I sound. I am strong enough to admit that I'm geek enough. Oh, and that I can read.
Good Lord. I knew I was cranky, but I had no idea I was THAT pissy until this post. What is my antidote? How do I get out of this funk? Do you think that the cougar in me I should go chasing poor Rob Pattinson around confusing him for Edward Cullen? I'm totally cool with stalking. What do you think Rob would think of Mom jeans? Hot, right?