Friday, January 23, 2009
The problem with dogs
| So last night, Thursday, I was dead tired at 8 pm. It was a long day, but regardless, I am NEVER tired at 8 pm. Eight o'clock is my happy time. It's in the hours of 4 - 9 pm when I am the most awake. So when I was plopping down to read at 8 pm, I thought to myself, "Oh good. Maybe I'll be in bed at a normal time for once! Yay me for being normal for once!" So I start reading. And before you know it my ADHD sets in and I'm reading the same chapter over and over. Crap. Reading is SO not working. I'm getting MORE and MORE awake by the second. TV is a distraction but I keep pausing the TIVO to do laundry, dishes, sweeping, whatever. I swear I am not any any sort of stimulant other than coffee and I cut myself off hours and hours ago. In fact, my coffee maker beeps after 2 hours to let me know I've been cut off. Coffee maker closing time was a VR VR long time ago. So the dork in me suggests dancing around the living room in an attempt to drain energy. Everybody is asleep, but I am widefuckingawake. Dancing is stupid. I can't dance and there isn't enough room to do a flying stag or salchow if I wanted to. So I get the brilliant idea at 11pm to take "a couple" of my dogs on a walk. On many occasion I have taken my two male dogs Maverick and Joey on walks during the sunnier months. Being two intact males they do well if I, the alpha, is always there to monitor them. I have a single leash that attaches multiple leashes so that I can walk a zillion dogs at once if I so desired. Apparently I felt the need to walk a zillion dogs. Admittedly, the ADHD mind REALLY wasn't thinking or considering consequences to its full potential. Maverick in a past life was a sled dog. The guy is young and scrappy and can make me walk at least 10 mph faster than my legs could normally go. Joey is big and beefy but has lived with me his full 5 years and knows that I will choke him to death if he pulls. Joey is half my body weight. Maverick really doesn't seem to notice or care that oxygen is important so wheezing and coughing doesn't slow him down in the slightest. I can yank, jerk, verbally commmand him to chill out to no avail. So basically, the two of them together is manageable. My wide awake brain THEN thinks it's a good idea to take two of the females on a walk as well considering that the two males are so easy. So Dixie whom is really well leash-trained but have been having a HUGE issue with in regard to loyalty, keeps running off the SECOND I turn my back, decide that she needs the mental stimulation and bonding time. Can I find her choke chain and leash? No. So she gets a regular ole collar and is hooked up to the boys' leash, which makes three of them on a single leash. The problem with collies is that their necks are bigger than their heads. Any resistance or stopping and said collar just pops off. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I also decide that Athena would be great to expose to more walks given her limited view of the outside world. She's a couple weeks pregnant so I thought some exercise and excitement might do her some good. Okay. Yeah. Bringing Athena was retarded. Not only am I now out of leashes but out of collars. Being on a ranch there is an overabundance of baling twine. Oh yeah. Hello, White Trash with the noose as not only a collar but a leash. It's 11 pm on a teeny tiny island who the heck is going to notice? So I have all 4 dogs and I'm ready to go! The thing is with dogs in general is that the males want to lead me and the girls want to follow me. Already a clusterfuck of collie dogs and we haven't made it from the barn to the top of the driveway. So at first it was funny and I'm laughing until Dixie's collar repeatedly pops off and she's heading for the hills like the disloyal bitch that she is. So trade Athena's homemade deal for Dixie's collar. Same thing. So while I'm getting them all straightened out, the males would encircle me literally entangling me like a spider's web. Why I persevered THIS far is beyond me other than the boundless amount of energy that I had. Plus, I NEVER back down to a challenge. So after a few minutes of stepping in and out of spider webs and putting Dixie back in the regular collar a zillion times, we actually made it to the housing development that I had originally intended to take a walk in. It took me at least 8x's as long as it would have had I just taken the boys. And then there were the other dogs. Dogs left free to roam said housing development because they are big fat lab dogs that don't leave the yard, and then there's the barkers behind fences that BARK BARK BARK at people and dogs passing by. It was all way too much for my ADD intact male dogs. They were pulling. They were circling. This wasn't their turf, but they assumed that all of the island was their turf. Tails were flagged, they were barking back ready to fight. The girls got in a panic and were every which way. All I know is that there were multiple leashes and binder twine EVERYWHERE encircling my legs, midriff, feet, and arms. For the life of me I felt like a roped calf. Seriously, throw both your hands up and call for time, Cowboy. Naturally Dixie is off the collar again and headed to for the hills or to fight or impregnate herself with a big fat lab. I gathered myself, I gathered my dogs, and I retreated home. For some odd reason "home" made sense to them. "Home" was one collie mind working together and that was in complete agreement that they were the Alaskan Bob Sledding Team. Unfortunately I don't own a bob sled. There isn't even snow if I did. So all 4 dogs who now greatly outweigh me have me walking them at a 70 degree angle at 30 MPH. Then for some reason Athena spazzes out, trips me with her baling twine, and I'm in the rocky ditch clawing to escape. There are no street lamps. It's me at one with my bob sledding team that lacks any sort of compassion for the person that feeds them. This would be a photo of being drug through a ditch by 4 collie dogs. Don't attempt this at home.  Oh. It gets better. So I limp back home at approximately 30 MPH now uphill and am immediately entangled by dogs again. I just start unclipping and un-noosing. I stand erect and both of the male dogs are in a full blown war literally trying to rip each other's necks out. So you know how you're never supposed to try to break up a dog fight right, right? You're supposed to hose them down. So suppose for the sake of argument you don't want to run in the barn, hook up the hose, open the barn doors, and drag the hose out, spray them down because really? What would be the point? In this amount of time one or both of them is dead. So, you do what any sensible farm girl would do. You start kicking at the aggressor. Only for arguments sake you were denied soccer as a child/teen and your kick lacks impact. You have no aim and basically you are kicking at air and screaming like a Banshee. Sadly, you are kicking WAY too hard than you imagined physically possible. All too soon you realize that your kick was something only a Rockette or Dallas cheerleader could do and you feel and HEAR the snap. That snap would be your ass to leg muscle. Well played. Apparently male dogs hear, see, or feel your pain and stop fighting. You limp them slowly to their designated area and go back inside the house and just lay on the couch starring at the ceiling until WAY after midnight. For the love of GOD, if you can't sleep on a Must See TV day, just stay in and watch The Office. PS. The 2 parallel scars above the barrel racing scar would be my first time shaving my legs. At 10-years-old I imagined that the peach fuzz covering my legs would take quite some time, heft, and pressure from Dad's razor. I bled like a stuck pig for seemingly forever but didn't say anything to my Mom who said that I was not allowed to shave my legs at the tender age of ten. In my excuse for the bloody trail, I told her I slipped on a coat hanger. |
I absolutely love your work and your style. Beautifully done! I am sorry about the Dogs . ;P