I'm so boring
|When I first started this whole Internet thing back in the dark ages, I was one of forerunners with Ebay and HTML tags, AOL, and all that good stuff. And get this . . . I had a life! Now it seems that marketing online takes FAR more time than actually creating art. The market is saturated with other artists who caught on to this newfangled Internet thing and recently I have been spending a majority of my time researching SEO, keywords, getting noticed on Etsy, gaining more followers on Instagram, and getting Pinned on Pinterest (that was a funny). And this blog is so dusty and old- Just wondering is anybody out there? That's okay if not. I enjoy my own company. *crickets*|
|My day is like this:|
Every day is pretty much like this though. My Mom is coming into town this weekend. Little does she know that she will be helping me with Project Organize. What is funny is that I'm very organized, but once I start feeling overwhelmed by STUFF I fall into a downward spiral of disorganization. I just wish I didn't love STUFF so much. I'm such a sentimental fool. But people like being in my home even though it's never clean enough by my standards- there is always lots to see and I've been repeatedly told how cozy it is. I have friends that live bare minimally in what seems like the VERY clean homes. Not me! My home will never have a sterile feeling. My home you can accidentally break shit and I'll be like, oh. Yeah. Bummer. It's just STUFF.
But I digress. Topic at hand: Art. I have been really trying to add more and more prints to Etsy and I have 124 items right now and many more to add. It's actually really fun going through old files and finding paintings that I created and forgot all about! Many of them are inspiring to re-do some of them in more of the style I paint now. Some of them are more cartoon-like than what I paint now, but still whimsical. But check out my Etsy shop and tell me what you think. I'd love some feedback and feel free to tell me things that just aren't working for you. That's the critical stuff I need to know! www.artbyshano.etsy.com
Don't feel like copying and pasting the link? Look over to your left and there is my Etsy shop under Eye Candy. Time is precious people!
|So a couple days ago I made a post and I did re-read that night and saw all the grammar errors and crap I wanted to change. I am not going to re-read at this point and am going to leave it in its full hatchet mode. I'll revisit it later because when I wrote it, it was raw and honest and my first instinct is to edit it. Stepping away from trying to be that perfect person that everybody tries to be, and what I am going to try to be is honest to myself. So today was my last day as office manager at a real estate company. They job was great. I love the people, the job was challenging at times, and so super slack at others and I rolled with the punches, and I really, really loved it. However, I need to be true to my soul and that is working with animals because I have that gift. My soul also needs to paint and create. My entire life even before I was 5 years of age was wishing that I could be a horse trainer and artist when I grew up. Although I will most likely never be a professional horse trainer (I'm too fucking old to deal with injury) I will take a rescue horse and find the perfect home for them. My dream now is to continue with my animals and just create things that come from my soul. And I know its hippy dippy, but I believe people are put here on earth do do something with their lives- for the good or for the better. Some people say they don't have a gift and I don't believe that. What I believe is that people are put here in life to make a difference- Be it art, music, volunteering, mentoring, raising a family ... The list is endless. Everybody makes a difference in somebody's life be it for the worse or for the better. We don't live in Eutopia and some people were put here just to make everybody's life a challenge. I don't know. Let's not get too deep. That said, I will most likely lay off the heavy thinking (perhaps not right away) but I will always be true to myself and to you and fuck it if that doesn't please you. I'm at an age where my soul and happiness means the world to me. At this moment I have a teenage son who will let me sit on his bed with him as he plays video games with his friends and tell me who he is playing with and will put in layman's terms what is going on. I have a daughter who will be going to college next year who is figuring out who she is striving to be. I have an ex-husband who I can be honest with and he is honest and fair to me. Best, I have a beautiful man who is full on asleep on my couch with 2 little Yorkies cuddling him until I decide it's time for us to go to bed. Right now my soul is happy and tomorrow begins my new life. Cheers. *Unedited and Un-reread and I'm sticking to it.|
|I realize now it has been almost a year since I have posted in this ancient blog. Seeing the stats and realizing people are still seeing it is amazing. In fact, when you google Art by Shano, my blog comes up first. Embarrassing. I want my art to come up first naturally, not for people googling me to see what I was saying and feeling YEARS ago. So, let me proceed. I went through a divorce in 2010? (It was drawn out separation. Whatever) It was the emotionally most crippling thing that has ever happened to me. Just in case you're wondering if you should get a divorce and are kinda on the fence and also have kids, and just "aren't happy" . . . Don't do it. Boredom will pass. That excitement you want to feel with your spouse and just isn't there- make it fucking happen. You two are best friends and still have active dialog? Suck it up Buttercup. Marriage gets fucking boring and that's the best thing that can happen to you. I promise. Want excitement? Talk to your single friends or have a girls night out. I did. It was awesome and I still had an amazing husband. My ex-husband will always be the love of my life. My current boyfriend of more than 2 years knows this and is not threatened by this, but accepts it as it is. I've moved on from my ex-husband 100%. It really, really didn't work no matter how hard we tried, and we tried SO very hard for 18 years. Marriage counseling for most of this time . . . the whole nine yards. You can't fix broken. So during our separation I was a complete blob of jelly that did the menial of tasks. I woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks and my chest in a fist of rage with fear of the unknown. I am a person that HATES change and loves making a little happy nest I call home. Sleep has always been my medic, my time to go to my Happy Place where wonderful things happened in wonderful places. I have always loved sleeping SO much because my dreams were just as real and memorable as my real life, only I simply "visited" there. Even before John and I married, our friends made fun of how much we slept and our love of sleeping in. I suppose that 2 artists living under the same roof would have the same habits. We slept as much as we loved. Artists are . . . unique. It takes a lot of patience with an artist. I am impatient and demanding and definitely fit under every stereotype of feminine. I love animals to the point where I have to cut myself off, even though I should have done it by half the animals on my ranch now. I am outgoing, friendly, controlling and emotional but stable, yet hard to get to know on a personal level. I used to have a few best friends, but since the divorce I lost them all which is so hard for me because I'm a girl's girl. They always say in a divorce, "the people you think will be there for you won't be, and the people you least expect will". Sadly fucking true. Although I have been burned, I love, love, love people in general and am so intrigued with everyone that I meet. And I know that the girls that were best friend with me in my previous life will ALWAYS be my girls. If ever needed, I would in no way hesitate to knock on the doors of Becky, Liz, Erin, Jen, Deb & Bekka, and especially Ramona and know that I would be greeted with nothing but love. You guys will always hold a special place in my heart and I love you dearly. So on with the new! I keeping true to my midnight rule that I cannot post after midnight. And to reflect back at my 18 year old self and having a 1 o'clock curfew, yeah. Shit gets real after midnight. Bad decisions are after midnight's bitch. Part 2 SOONish. (But I'm good. That's why I wanted you to see this.) There is a happy ending . . . So far. Life is a motherfucking beautiful journey. Drunk as fuck. Curse you Monday Football and Seahawks (ultimate fan here!) Will edit tomorrow. Peace out mothafuckas. (I'm apparently gansta in my over a certain age drunkness. Da fuq?) No. Now it's just full blown Tourette's syndrome.|
Fashion Illustration Boot Camp
|Fashion Illustration Boot Camp with Shano – Learn the basics of drawing the fashion figure, poses, how clothing drapes around the body, as well as makeup and facial details. Great for anybody interested in creating their own designs, future fashion designers, building your portfolio, or just for fun. Perfect for those ages 13 to 113! Dates: August 8, 9, 10, 11. Time: 11 to 1pm. Four-Day Fashion Illustration Boot Camp Cost: $125 - includes materials. Class sizes are limited- Please reserve your spot today! Classes held at Gallery by the Bay, Stanwood, WA – 360.629.4297 (www.gallerybythebay.com) Instructor is Shano firstname.lastname@example.org (http://www.artbyshano.com/)|
Once Upon a time . . .
Yeah, there's no way
|Beth of ChicGalleria.com Finally inspired me to refind my cPanel (does that just sound dirty, or is it just me?) and see where my stats were coming from. (Okay, yeah. Um. DEFINITELY dirty.) If you ever lose your cPanel info with your hosting info (For you computer savvy people that DON'T have your minds in the gutter), you might as well go looking for the Easter Bunny. My computer(s) have crashed so many times that I had given up all hope, but this time, thanks to Beth I was determined. It's been one of those nagging little things driving me crazy. |
And I feel badly. All these sites were showing the love, and I turned my unknowing back to them.
Starting now. Blogging more. Again. I saw the move "Julie & Julia" (gag). I AM A NEW PERSON.
(Yeah. We'll see how that goes.)
|August 6, 2009 was my last post? Where does the time go? What a flippin' slacker! But this time of year is always superDEEduper busy and if you read on, I'll tell you all about it and that I may or may not have a very good excuse for not posting more often. |
Let's start with if you're in the Fremont area of Seattle. My work can be seen in the Fremont Space until April 30th.
And then on May 7th it's on to the "Blue Ribbon" Show at Benjamin Benjamin in Hood River, OR
Meanwhile, I will have work in the Seagrass Gallery for the Mother's Day tour on Camano Island, WA (natch).
And making me giddy with anticipation is the Special Mother's Day Blend by Dusty Cellars Winery featuring the art of yours truly. 14.4% alcohol yo. And so far, they haven't produced a red that I haven't absolutely LOVED.
Next up . . . The clothing and accessories line. But I'll save that for next week. Want to be in the know, and probably receive a little TMI? Join me on Facebook or Twitter.
|Where have I been?|
Here in Western Washington, also known as the Seattle area there is a great phenomenon known as the sun. When it very seldom chooses to show itself, the entire population goes missing from the Internet. I am no exception. It's been sunny. I've been MIA.
Also, I have been moving from my static desktop to the portable laptop. I have a new sense of freedom. However, moving important docs, pics, and programs has been far more consuming than ever imagined. Namely forgotten passwords and Vista having a strong distaste for anything vintage.
We are getting ready to take a big road trip from WA State to Michigan. This is also quite time consuming. Today was spent researching which class trailer hitch I have on my vehicle, adjustable ball hitches (hee), tongue weights (hee), and round bar weight distributors, also known as sway bars. Sadly, I now know what all this means. Makes me almost want to be a dude and grow a pair. Okay. Not really. In actuality it makes me want to run to my shoe pile and jewelry collection and hug and kiss each and every one and give them names which end in a "y".
I have been riding my horses a lot more. In fact, I am covered in a protective layer of horse dirt. I really want to wash it off. There's really nothing magical about it.
I haven't been painting so much because I am a bit distracted with the sun, our trip, and purty horses and the such. Oh, and two litters of puppies within weeks of each other really takes up a LOT of time.
But if you want to see my latest originals and more artwork it can be seen here: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=99376
and here: http://shano-studio.com/originalart.html
And exciting news! My art will be on the cover of the not yet released album: Cathryn Beeks Ordeal!
I'm going to have to call it a night now. Sweet dreams!
PS Speaking of which- I purchased Jewel's new Lullaby album which, I know. To each their own, but I am thinking that this is the prettiest music next to Enya that I have EVER heard.
|Mother's Day Tour - Camano Island|
Will you be attending the annual Mother's Day Studio Tour on Camano Island this weekend? If so, be sure to stop by Seagrass Gallery (http://seagrassgallery.com/) to view original art and prints by Shano.
Next stop- Wine tasting at Dusty Cellars Winery (http://www.dustycellars.net/) where you can purchase prints and limited edition signed flasks featuring Shano's newest images. *Some of which are not yet available in print!
Art Collectors? Just a head's up! There are still a few Original Artwork Pieces Left! Cleaning out the studio and over HALF the original art MUST GO! Huge paintings, small paintings, and everything in between- All one of a kind and priced starting as low as $100!
To view ALL the art click here:
To view the art on SALE click here:
(click on the original art category)
Keep up to date with Shano via social networking:
|Last night I finished another painting in the Forbearance series. Why I decided to do something so large (18" x 24") in red is beyond me. One thing that digital cameras hate is red and purple, and this little doozy was far too large to scan. So therefore, hours were spent adjusting color, contrast, saturation, and exposure. Oy vey.|
Here's the finished product:
Here's the trauma I endured:
Those smaller prints are artist's proofs. Want to know how much I spent on archival papers and inks? Yeah. I don't either.
Wanna know what else I had to endure this weekend? A bunch of crap movies. How often do I watch movies? Rarely. VERY rarely do I dedicate 2 hours at a time of sitting, and 4 hours of my weekend were wasted on brain melting stupidness that I'll never get back. Okay, yeah. The stupidness will come back to me in gobfuls, but I won't be sitting for it that long. I can almost guarantee it will be random, and it will involve public humiliation.
So first runner up in dumb movies du jour was the remake of Amityville Horror (although I fully appreciated Ryan Reynolds soaking wet and flexing his muscles.) All is not lost if you simply save your time and do a google search on screen shots of Ryan in the rain.
Winner of the Raspberry Awards was "Death at a Funeral". I think it was supposed to be funny. It wasn't. Trust me. I don't think I felt a flicker of amusement. My lips were never inclined to head North. Not even a smirk. Grimace, oh yeah. There was a poop of the face scene. That's the closest I came to smiling.
Ending it on a happy note is Ryan san shirt. He isn't wet here, but sweaty, angry, and wielding an ax. And that's hawt.
View Show and Tell of what the Easter Bunny brought
Call out of state family
Do barn chores
Pick up Easter "grass"
Pick up Easter "grass"
Pick up Easter "grass"
Cook Easter dinner
Pass out "Honey Do List"
Pick up Easter "grass"
Entertain and feed guests
Pick up Easter "grass"
Make "To Go" plates
Worm puppies and give vaccinations
Say goodbye to guests
Pick up Easter "grass"
Wait for horses to dry from the rain
Put the horse blankets back on.
Pick up Easter "grass"
It's now 6:30 pm PST. Time to digest mass quantities of ham and potatoes.
Don't want to jinx it but . . .
|House is clean|
Barn is tidy
Yard is acceptable
Orders have been sent
Updated the Original Art Page
Studio is organized
Family is healthy
Friends are well
Dogs are brushed
Animals are fed
Bills are paid
Food in the cupboards
Laundry is going
Dishes are being washed
Life is good.
PS A special rhanks Tarah for posting about my art to the Seattle PI blog! http://blog.seattlepi.com/urbanfashionnetwork. SWEET.
HUGE Art by Shano SALE
ORIGINAL ART MUST GO to make room for the new!
Cleaning out the studio and over HALF the original art MUST GO! Huge paintings, small paintings, and everything in between- All one of a kind and priced starting as low as $60!
To view ALL the art click here:
To view the art on SALE click here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=99376 (click on the original art category)
The website is currently under construction, but still enabled and fully functional. To see the direction in which the http://www.shano-studio.com website is going, please take a peek. Now categorized are the Top 75 selling prints, plus all the other top selling prints. You would think it would be easy to narrow it down to 75, but not at all! Simply click on Purchase and then Limited and Open Edition Prints.
Keep up to date with Shano via social networking:
Stoopid is as stoopid does
|WARNING before you read.|
If you read my blog, you know that I don't waste my time worrying about fragmented or run-on sentences, prepositions, improper grammar, or verb tenses staying in one format, or any of that other crap that I had to actually think about when writing a term paper. If I did bother myself with such annoyances, I would never have anything to say. But rest assured, the spell check has been hit. So what if the occasional word is missing? Fill in the blanks. Your guess is as good as mine as to what I was trying to say in the first place. Point is, I was once educated, but partied too hard to retain any of the knowledge and now I'm just too tired and lazy to be bothered.
It seems that most artists post FAR more frequently than me. And although I have a lot to say, I don't always have the time to say it, or can configure any of my many random thoughts I have at any given moment in to a coherent sentence. But I'm gonna try even if it means Twitter status blogging.
And I'm going to start by blogging about nothing in regard to artwork. Why? Because I'm compiling all my existing pieces together to list for sale on Etsy or Artfire or even eBay. And because I am so completely overwhelmed by it all, I'm going to have to deal with it another time. Probably not tomorrow, but maybe Wednesday and that will be like a TON of bricks released from my chest. So, get ready because the sale amount that I sell them for is not as important is GETTING them out of my studio. Not because I don't like the paintings or they aren't worthy, but because I'm not letting myself create new paintings until I sell what I have, and that is VR VR hard. Imagine a brain artistically imploding. And now that I have a CLEAN art studio with electricity and lights, I'm absolutely Jones'ing to get in there!
So .. . On Twitter the other day I wrote a one-liner stating that I have stupid goats. Surprisingly, I received a ton of hate letters because of it. To goat-lovers: I have stupid horses some days. Stupid dogs other days. My chickens (rather John's chickens) are ALWAYS stupid. God knows, I'm the first to admit that I have stupid days. Where are the emails stating that I'm misunderstood and not stupid?! Stupid is a great adjective and noun. IMO, everybody, goat, human, or the like, is stupid some days, in some ways. Want to know how many times I followed a stupid human driving a vehicle that probably had an IQ of 150? Get over it. You are stupid to waste your time and typing fingers telling me goats are not stupid. Hey- I'm stupid for spending the time typing this to tell you that goats and other life forms can be stupid. It's all hella stupid.
On another note, I gotta go veg and be stupid because it's late and that's the only way I can get to sleep at night. I bet my goats are sleeping well though.
Definition: not intelligent; irresponsible
Synonyms: brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, doltish, dopey*, dull, dumb, dummy*, foolish, futile, gullible, half-baked*, half-witted*, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, laughable, loser*, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, out to lunch, pointless, puerile, rash, senseless, shortsighted, simple, simpleminded, slow, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thick-headed, trivial, unintelligent, unthinking, witless
Notes: stupid refers to lack of ability while ignorant refers to lack of knowledge
Safe Horses Charity Event
"Wild Mares" Original Art painting for auction
Save A Forgotten Equine presents...
HeART of the Horse, an Art Show & Auction to benefit Equine Rescue
Sunday, April 5th, 2009
exhibit 2-7pm ~ silent auction 4-6pm
1902 South Fawcett Street
Tacoma WA 98003
Hors d'oeurves will be served and beer & wine will be available for purchase
Come support local artists & photograhpers for an afternoon of Art, Photography, Music, Food and FUNd-Raising to benefit Save A Forgotten Equine (S.A.F.E.)
Unclad Art Show 2009
|Patron's Party http://www.uncladart.com/- Opening Night Gala (Click on photos to enlarge)|
From left to right: Gayle Picken (Art Show Curator and owner of Gallery by the Bay - (http://www.gallerybythebay.com/), Jamie, Jack Gunter (http://www.jackgunterart.com/), Teri, Tom Jensen (http://www.tomjensenart.com/), Alison.
Teri, Alison, myself, Jamie - I'm showing off the "red dot" on the mermaid painting, Fluidity. Yay!
Jack Gunter (http://www.jackgunterart.com/), myself, Tom Jensen (http://www.tomjensenart.com/)
Shannon Kirby (http://www.shannonkirbyart.com/), myself, Liana Bennett (http://www.lianabennett.com/)
Coylinda purchased my purse to give to her daughter. Her husband in the background is artist John Vistaunet (http://www.vistaunet.com/)
Me and Jack Gunter. I love this photo because I have no recollection of what is going on or what is being said but the body language cracks me up.
Afterwards at Amigo's Restaurant with the girls (and apparently the restaurant owner?)
Heaven & Hell
An hour nap on Sunday
A windstorm with windchimes
Telephone calls from all your favorite girlfriends
The ability to run on the treadmill
A new and improved ass from running on the treadmill (which really doesn't say a whole lot)
Wallflowers from Bath and Body Works
A full bottle of wine
Memory foam mattress
Watching and Interacting with kids during an episode of Survivor
Orders packaged and ready to go
A clean house
An hour long pedicure
Dogs that come when you call them
2 week old puppy smells inside the house
Back porch junkyard
Mentioning how awesome somebody is only to have them completely suck the next day
Plethora of drama (wtf?)
Having to wake early
Good outweighs the bad. Good vs. Evil. Glass is half full.
Too much of nothing
|Some days, okay most days, I want to do everything. I become so engrossed in everything that I do nothing. For example I just signed up to DIGG. Right now I really have no idea what that means other than I like a story or article. Same with StumbleUpon. I like it, I told somebody out there that I like it. Who I am telling this to, or sharing with is really unknown to me. Of course I could read the FAQ's, but I get spun around. I have a good sense of direction, but my ADD rears it's ugly head and I find I'm learning only bits and pieces of a whole. So I spend time exploring these technology vortexes in hopes that someday I'll know exactly what I'm doing while actually DOING it. It is a series of tangly spider webs with too many directions to venture off in, and inevitably I choose the wrong path further sidetracking me from what I was doing. Information Highway? No. It's downtown LA in rush hour with a 5 car pile up. |
The Internet is so vast with knowledge that honestly my brain can't handle it. I want to learn PhotoShop and do all the things that the kewl kids are doing. Did you know you can take free tutorials on YouTube? You can pay a monthly fee to learn just about anything at http://www.lynda.com/ (It took me 10 minutes to remember the name of this site thus adding further frustration in my quest for knowledge.)
Right now I am still trying to figure out shipping on my shopping cart and I am completely over-thinking the tables and scales mixed with *GASP* International shipping to boot. My brain is swimming. Don't even get me started on marketing, small business, and being a WAHM, as well as an artist. Just the information sites pointing to other information sites completely overwhelm me. The Internet is crack. Why can't I quit you?
Oh, how ironic!
|So yesterday I posted my "25 Random things" and quite honestly most of my Chatty Cathy girlfriends haven't responded and I'm assuming it is because of my #22. |
22. It's retarded to refer to yourself as a MILF. Let other people decide that.
So I am reading book number 4 of Megan McCafferty's series titled Fourth Comings. I absolutely was enthralled by her first two books. Number three was a little emo and whiny, and not nearly enough hot sex, but it goes with the age of the character of the time. Nonetheless, book number 4 so far is right on track. I truly appreciate the numerous references to pop culture. Megan even goes as far to refer to Dooce whom I have been quasi-following back when Heather had maybe 3 to 10 comments a day. However, being a lurker doesn't gain me any status or popularity in the Dooce world.
So, I just read page 111 (Page 109 had me CRACKING up. I mean, ROFL at her snark comment. Buy the book. Only you MUST start with Sloppy Firsts.)
So thank you Megan for your witty and snarky pop culture observances. I am right on board.
From page 109 that had me belly laughing- As spoken from Jessica, the main character:
"She was still dead serious. This reveals an elemental cause of all our miscommunications. I am fluent in snark. Bethany only notices snark when snarks grabs her off the sidewalk, throws her in the back of a sketchy van with tinted windows, drives to the middle of the Meadowlands in the dead of night, and uses a heavy blunt instrument to smack her repeadly about the head as it screams, "I'M SNARK. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I'M SNARKY SNARKY SNARK!" And even then she's like, "Ohhhhh? Snark? Is that you?"
From page 111:
"I couldn't expect someone like my sister to understand why the DONUT HO' promotion was just another pathetic example of "feminism" gone wrong. She has soared, swooped, and glided through life on the gilded wings of her golden good looks. I mean, it's one thing to be a MILF and have other people refer to you as such in private. "Now there's a mom I'd like to fuck." But it is quite another to unapologetically and unironically refer to yourself and your circle of friends as MILFs, as my sister and her friends do."
This is why I read so much. Way better than the boob tube, ya'll.
I was tagged for "25 Things"
|1. I love the smell of horses, cinnamon and clove, my husband, and Narsico Rodriguez perfume.|
2. I wear make up and fix my hair every day regardless if I leave the house.
3. I collect colorful goblets from the 70's and use them as our every day drinking glasses. If you see one at a thrift store, pick one up for me.
4. Listening to other people chew drives me batshit crazy.
5. Pretentious people are the WORST.
6. I must drink coffee every morning.
7. A microbrew with a tiny bit of bloody mary mix is the best drink EVER.
8. No wait, red wine is the best drink EVER.
9. I am obsessed with horses and my weight. Not necessarily in that order.
10. I am extraordinarily blessed for my family.
11. I love getting dressed up and wearing heels.
12. Nothing makes my eyes happier than sparkly jewelry or a cute handbag.
13. I always drive 5 mph over the speed limit.
14. An untidy house can cause me to go mentally insane.
15. I dislike cooking immensely. Loathe it really.
16. My hair won't grow but at least it hasn't gone gray yet *knock on wood*
17. I rarely get cold. My daughter is the same way.
18. I am a chronic insomniac and live like a vampire.
19. I read at least a couple books a week.
20. I like my handwriting cuz it's spazzy like me.
21. I have self-diagnosed myself with Adult Onset ADD.
22. It's retarded to refer to yourself as a MILF. Let other people decide that.
23. Race, age, political, or religious beliefs do not matter to me. If I like you, I like you. Just don't try to change me.
24. I swear like a trucker when my kids aren't around.
25. I really dig reality TV
The problem with dogs
|So last night, Thursday, I was dead tired at 8 pm. It was a long day, but regardless, I am NEVER tired at 8 pm. Eight o'clock is my happy time. It's in the hours of 4 - 9 pm when I am the most awake. So when I was plopping down to read at 8 pm, I thought to myself, "Oh good. Maybe I'll be in bed at a normal time for once! Yay me for being normal for once!"|
So I start reading. And before you know it my ADHD sets in and I'm reading the same chapter over and over. Crap. Reading is SO not working. I'm getting MORE and MORE awake by the second. TV is a distraction but I keep pausing the TIVO to do laundry, dishes, sweeping, whatever. I swear I am not any any sort of stimulant other than coffee and I cut myself off hours and hours ago. In fact, my coffee maker beeps after 2 hours to let me know I've been cut off. Coffee maker closing time was a VR VR long time ago.
So the dork in me suggests dancing around the living room in an attempt to drain energy. Everybody is asleep, but I am widefuckingawake. Dancing is stupid. I can't dance and there isn't enough room to do a flying stag or salchow if I wanted to. So I get the brilliant idea at 11pm to take "a couple" of my dogs on a walk.
On many occasion I have taken my two male dogs Maverick and Joey on walks during the sunnier months. Being two intact males they do well if I, the alpha, is always there to monitor them. I have a single leash that attaches multiple leashes so that I can walk a zillion dogs at once if I so desired. Apparently I felt the need to walk a zillion dogs. Admittedly, the ADHD mind REALLY wasn't thinking or considering consequences to its full potential.
Maverick in a past life was a sled dog. The guy is young and scrappy and can make me walk at least 10 mph faster than my legs could normally go. Joey is big and beefy but has lived with me his full 5 years and knows that I will choke him to death if he pulls. Joey is half my body weight. Maverick really doesn't seem to notice or care that oxygen is important so wheezing and coughing doesn't slow him down in the slightest. I can yank, jerk, verbally commmand him to chill out to no avail. So basically, the two of them together is manageable.
My wide awake brain THEN thinks it's a good idea to take two of the females on a walk as well considering that the two males are so easy.
So Dixie whom is really well leash-trained but have been having a HUGE issue with in regard to loyalty, keeps running off the SECOND I turn my back, decide that she needs the mental stimulation and bonding time. Can I find her choke chain and leash? No. So she gets a regular ole collar and is hooked up to the boys' leash, which makes three of them on a single leash. The problem with collies is that their necks are bigger than their heads. Any resistance or stopping and said collar just pops off. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I also decide that Athena would be great to expose to more walks given her limited view of the outside world. She's a couple weeks pregnant so I thought some exercise and excitement might do her some good. Okay. Yeah. Bringing Athena was retarded. Not only am I now out of leashes but out of collars. Being on a ranch there is an overabundance of baling twine. Oh yeah. Hello, White Trash with the noose as not only a collar but a leash. It's 11 pm on a teeny tiny island who the heck is going to notice?
So I have all 4 dogs and I'm ready to go! The thing is with dogs in general is that the males want to lead me and the girls want to follow me. Already a clusterfuck of collie dogs and we haven't made it from the barn to the top of the driveway. So at first it was funny and I'm laughing until Dixie's collar repeatedly pops off and she's heading for the hills like the disloyal bitch that she is. So trade Athena's homemade deal for Dixie's collar. Same thing. So while I'm getting them all straightened out, the males would encircle me literally entangling me like a spider's web.
Why I persevered THIS far is beyond me other than the boundless amount of energy that I had. Plus, I NEVER back down to a challenge. So after a few minutes of stepping in and out of spider webs and putting Dixie back in the regular collar a zillion times, we actually made it to the housing development that I had originally intended to take a walk in. It took me at least 8x's as long as it would have had I just taken the boys.
And then there were the other dogs. Dogs left free to roam said housing development because they are big fat lab dogs that don't leave the yard, and then there's the barkers behind fences that BARK BARK BARK at people and dogs passing by. It was all way too much for my ADD intact male dogs. They were pulling. They were circling. This wasn't their turf, but they assumed that all of the island was their turf. Tails were flagged, they were barking back ready to fight. The girls got in a panic and were every which way. All I know is that there were multiple leashes and binder twine EVERYWHERE encircling my legs, midriff, feet, and arms. For the life of me I felt like a roped calf. Seriously, throw both your hands up and call for time, Cowboy. Naturally Dixie is off the collar again and headed to for the hills or to fight or impregnate herself with a big fat lab. I gathered myself, I gathered my dogs, and I retreated home.
For some odd reason "home" made sense to them. "Home" was one collie mind working together and that was in complete agreement that they were the Alaskan Bob Sledding Team. Unfortunately I don't own a bob sled. There isn't even snow if I did.
So all 4 dogs who now greatly outweigh me have me walking them at a 70 degree angle at 30 MPH. Then for some reason Athena spazzes out, trips me with her baling twine, and I'm in the rocky ditch clawing to escape. There are no street lamps. It's me at one with my bob sledding team that lacks any sort of compassion for the person that feeds them. This would be a photo of being drug through a ditch by 4 collie dogs.
Don't attempt this at home.
Oh. It gets better.
So I limp back home at approximately 30 MPH now uphill and am immediately entangled by dogs again. I just start unclipping and un-noosing. I stand erect and both of the male dogs are in a full blown war literally trying to rip each other's necks out. So you know how you're never supposed to try to break up a dog fight right, right? You're supposed to hose them down. So suppose for the sake of argument you don't want to run in the barn, hook up the hose, open the barn doors, and drag the hose out, spray them down because really? What would be the point? In this amount of time one or both of them is dead. So, you do what any sensible farm girl would do. You start kicking at the aggressor. Only for arguments sake you were denied soccer as a child/teen and your kick lacks impact. You have no aim and basically you are kicking at air and screaming like a Banshee.
Sadly, you are kicking WAY too hard than you imagined physically possible. All too soon you realize that your kick was something only a Rockette or Dallas cheerleader could do and you feel and HEAR the snap. That snap would be your ass to leg muscle. Well played.
Apparently male dogs hear, see, or feel your pain and stop fighting. You limp them slowly to their designated area and go back inside the house and just lay on the couch starring at the ceiling until WAY after midnight.
For the love of GOD, if you can't sleep on a Must See TV day, just stay in and watch The Office.
PS. The 2 parallel scars above the barrel racing scar would be my first time shaving my legs. At 10-years-old I imagined that the peach fuzz covering my legs would take quite some time, heft, and pressure from Dad's razor. I bled like a stuck pig for seemingly forever but didn't say anything to my Mom who said that I was not allowed to shave my legs at the tender age of ten. In my excuse for the bloody trail, I told her I slipped on a coat hanger.
Riding Couture & Illustration Friday
|I work a lot with Melonie at Riding Couture. The woman is so dang focused and perilous in getting what she wants. I admire her drive and hella good taste in everything that is blingable. So for her new website main page she had me create an image for her. The woman may as well have held my Wacom pen or channeled the digital image directly into my brain. I have to give her huge kudos for having a vision and making me see it EXACTLY they way she did. I love working with her because she quite often makes me think outside the box. I have no doubt in my mind that Riding Couture is GOING PLACES. |
This week's theme at Illustration Friday is "Climbing". So here are my little social climbers. Meet Je Ne Sai Quoi
Two birds one stone
|The last and final nude for an upcoming show. Yay. And guess what? She's pale. No tan around here! Thus, I am submitting her into Illustration Friday's theme of "PALE". |
"Nude in Big Hat" Do you like the oh so clever title? Makes you think outside the box, eh? Really gets the brain juices flowing. "What does she MEAN, Nude in Big Hat? I just don't GET it!" Don't worry. It'll come to you eventually.
Lil Miss Godiva
|So, in an effort to get caught up on one of the very few shows that I do each year, I have been creating paintings to be juried into the Unclad show. |
OMG. It feels soooooo good to be painting again. It's like swimming in the Pacific ocean in August, or riding full blast at a gallop, or sleeping 10 hours with vivid dreams, or a full tissue back massage, or really good sex (sorry Mum), or like the BEST fresh gourmet creme brulle to hit your pallet. It's like I forgot to breathe and then the oxygen hit me at 90 mph and stimulated every cell of my being. Am I being dramatic? Perhaps, but then us artistic folk tend to hyper-sensationalize. But rest assured that I am very sincere in my description.
The first two paintings I have done this year flew on to the canvas. The third one . . . Not so much. (I'll share that one in another post. TBA.) So, I'd like to introduce "Flirty Catwoman" (Oh yeah. Running out of creativity on titles for the catwoman series. SERIOUSLY.)
She is on a confusing very to computers metallic gold background. She hopes to be a part of an upcoming nudie art show. I'll give more info if she will be able to grace herself at that particular soiree. Please stay tuned. (Stay tuned. That's funny. Good thing I'm hear to crack myself up.)
Illustration Friday "CONTAINTED"
|Oh. I SO needed to paint. I can't believe it took me so long to find the time to arrange to have my art gear and setup brought inside the house. WAY too long. It was like holding my breath. Fasting. Being a nun. Living in the suburbs. I really, really, really needed to paint. |
I was given this itty bitty canvas of 6" x 6" from www.canvasplace.com (Waaaayyyy back when I used to be a regular and painted on a regular basis). This was YEARS ago now. At the time I thought, oh how cute! But square. I had great hopes for the itty bitty canvas, but there it waited for me about 5 years until I decided to take it up on it's challenge of painting on it . . . being all square like it was.
Well, I'm glad I waited because it finally occurred to me that the best composition for a square canvas would be round composition. I know! Like fitting a square peg into a round hole! Good thing I can think outside the box because that little itty bitty canvas would be waiting another 5 years.
Anyway, I'm blabbering on for no apparent reason. Apparently my fingers are anxious and love the clickity clack of keys. (Did you know that all to often, and WAY more than I like to admit to myself, I will repeat conversations in my head and be mentally typing them at the same time?! I'm like your own personal secretary or transcriptionist but only in my head! Either there is some strange compulsion to multitask or I'm like the Rainman of keyboards. Either way, admittedly, it's just plain weird. And yeah, a little TMI.)
So without further ado, here is this week's theme of "Contained" for Illustration Friday. Meet "Fluidity" the painting.
Why contained? Well, for obvious reasons water needs to be contained. And for another, I was contained by my preference of triangular compositions. I was contained in my thinking. Dangerous things happen when I allow my brain to run amok.
Completely Random Pissiness
|Pissy things inside my head:
Deadlines first and foremost. Always with the deadlines. (insert choice cussing before "deadlines") Professional, financial, and personal deadlines. In that order.
The Christmas tree and all reminders of Christmas are gone. I am now officially The Grinch for wanting it all down in a most eager and violent way. I like to imagine Edward Scissorhands as my ultimate professor in Ornament Removal 101. (Could have something to do with the deadlines.)
I started running again. This is good and this is bad. I love running. My brain shuts off (for effin' once!) and all is quiet in my head while I run. The endorphins kick in and my body feels nothing. Almost like it doesn't belong to myself. Of course, it's still really hard to get motivated to actually DO IT. But God love Nike for that saying, just DO IT because it is a really powerful quote. Just do it. Just get up off your fat ass. Just put the potato chips down. Set the remote down. Just DO IT. However, my bad knee(s) will surely undermine this and I will be pissy and fat (again/still) in no time. Did I mention I run on a treadmill in front of my TV? Yeah. Nike can only get SO far inside my head.
Speaking of fat. I am in a zone where my clothes are no longer fitting me comfortably or attractively. This also makes me REALLY pissy. I'm considering investing in my own line of Mom jeans and/or replacing my regular jeans and inserting elastic at the back of the waist band. Like a low-rise Mom jeans. Cool, huh? Or . . . I could continue to wear out the one pair of track pants I have. Once those start getting tight, I'm meeting up with Carnie Wilson for advice. Or hit her up for money for lap band surgery. Too bad we're not friends or even acquaintances. Because that's kind of weird, isn't it? I would confer with Star Jones about it but she's kinda batshit crazy.
I finished the 4th book of the Twilight series. Seriously? No, seriously. I'm in mourning that there are going to be NO MORE Twilight books. No more Edward, Bella, or Jacob. I am honest to God sad. And yes, I realize how completely geeked out I sound. I am strong enough to admit that I'm geek enough. Oh, and that I can read.
Good Lord. I knew I was cranky, but I had no idea I was THAT pissy until this post. What is my antidote? How do I get out of this funk? Do you think that the cougar in me I should go chasing poor Rob Pattinson around confusing him for Edward Cullen? I'm totally cool with stalking. What do you think Rob would think of Mom jeans? Hot, right?