|So today I was in Walmart. Let me just preface this by stating that I avoid Walmart like the plague. I avoid Walmart like the Bird Flu. I avoid Walmart. I cringe and do a Hail Mary each time I pass a Walmart. It takes days if not weeks for me to recoup from Walmart trips. In my experience people use their carts as battering rams, block isleways and create a barricade as to where you have to trek eight isles out of your way just to escape. And most of the clientele have worse hygiene than I do when I've been sick for two weeks straight- Not that I've ever been sick for 2 weeks straight, but I certainly wouldn't decide on the 14th showerless day to go shopping for bandaids, Preparation H, and Q-tips. But today it was unavoidable. I needed stuff and where else can I purchase turquoise towels and mats, self tanning lotion, purty nightgown (Summery! AKA can sweat in during hot summer months and throw away 3 months later), a birthday gift for a 9 year old, and lightweight yet oversized disposable sunglasses that are 1) cheap 2) You can abuse 3) Doesn't matter if you lose 4) Can |back drive over them and not expect to cash in on that "lifetime warranty" 5) Are so cheap and lightweight that you highly suspect aren't even made of plastic, but something even lighter and cheaper than plastic (Air molecules? Water?) AND don't give you headache because they weigh a flippin' ton and/or pinch your temples . . . in less than a half an hour ALL in one place on the way to an appointment? Target you might say, but hello. Welcome to life in the country. We gots ourselves a Walmart, but no fancy schmancy Targets. City folk. Ha!
I went during the day. Incognito (with a small 8 lb dog in a leopard print backpack strapped to my back and the biggest damn messenger bag on the planet. But one must LUVRE this bag because it's big enough to
smuggle carry small children and receive TONS of compliments.) But other than the small dog and giant messanger bag, I was like camouflage. I was a top secret agent on a mission. So I'm standing in line . . . Oh a good half an hour with only two women ahead of me- Because obviously they KNOW a good deal when they see one. Anyway. I am standing. Standing in line. LaTeeDa. Looking at convenience items. Browsing magazine covers, etc. When the woman in line behind me decides to stand next to me. STANDS NEXT TO ME. I am now BOXED IN. I am wedged between the isle and a small woman who has abandoned her cart to stand ALONG SIDE ME. Do I need to draw a diagram here? The woman was in my bubble! IN MY BUBBLE. Typically I'm the type that would say something like, "Ma'am would you step the fuck out of my bubble?", or "Will you be my new best friend?" But no! We don't anger the Walmart people. They are unstable and known to be dangerous. Who else would venture out in public braless and in tight ripped t-shirts and bicycle shorts? And I'm not completely convinced she was human. She was half my height and facing me. Bold-like and in flip flops. (Walmart Fairy? Troll? Angel of Mercy? Ghost of Walmart Past?) And ya'll. She breathed on me. To show her disgust for one of the tabloid headlines, she sighed. Heavily. She sighed so close and so heavily that I felt the wind and warmth of her breath and possibly saliva spit on my hand. ON MY HAND. I use that hand. I may have to burn and destroy that hand.
I'm going to miss my right hand. It was a good hand.